Sara in Denmark | #MyEmigrationStory
There’s no better story to start with than that of my amazing friend Sara, for the simple fact that she was my inspiration to move to Ireland. Before I met Sara, it had never crossed my mind that if you found yourself happier outside of the states, you could actually move there. To me, Europe was somewhere you visited as an American, not somewhere you lived. She opened up a new world of possibilities to me, and to this day, she continues to broaden my mind. I love her dearly for it. So please enjoy reading the story of her emigration to Denmark, just as much as I know I did.
Once upon a time, I lived across the hall from this super cute Danish boy at the University of Illinois. After years of long distance, we got hitched and, well, here I am in the Land of Danes! I have a family reunification visa, which basically gives me all the benefits of a Danish citizen (free healthcare and education woohoo!), but it took almost a year to process. To be honest, the actual waiting was a lot more painful than the application itself because I couldn’t work, study, or volunteer. I also couldn’t leave the country without another special visa, so all the free time I had couldn’t even be spent traveling to people and places I love. I couldn’t plan anything long-term because I had no idea when I would actually get my visa, which was torturous for a planner like myself.
However, despite becoming a bit despondent while the application was processing, I have gained a year’s worth of experiences in this new country. Allow me to show you Denmark through my eyes – the eyes of an immigrant.
I grew up in a suburb of Chicago, and although I live in the center of a city here, it seems so peacefully quiet to me. Even though I can see a mass of people walking the streets, there’s a calmness to Aalborg that makes me feel content. No one is trying to be anything other than what they are, and the pressure to impress is low.
Now, I believe a lot of that comes from the mildly collectivist culture. When everyone wears similar clothing and has the same five things in their apartment, much of life becomes simpler. That said, the homogeneity of Denmark can occasionally be frustrating to anyone who doesn’t fit the mold. Racial diversity in Denmark is - how shall I put it? - not record-breaking.
And religious diversity is perhaps even lower. The white, Lutheran masses of Denmark often do not take too kindly to the idea of change. Interestingly, the country that seems to be one of the strongest supporters of learning English (not the native language) at a young age also exhibits some of the most xenophobic tendencies of the western world. Of course, I speak in generalizations (most people I’ve met are open-minded). Nonetheless, those are some observations I have made.
To their credit, Denmark is actually rockin’ it in other social justice aspects. Men and women are practically equal here, which is awesome. Funnily enough, it’s challenged my own view of self-worth because everyone expects me to be a strong, independent woman and so I have to step up to the plate. In keeping with gender equality, new parents are treated like kings and queens. Between the two parents, they get almost a year of paid leave, among other benefits. Fathers are not forgotten during this precious time, and can often be seen walking their strollers and caring for their newborns. Also, breast feeding in public doesn’t seem to be taboo – so yay!
LGBTQ rights are also pretty strong in Denmark. I believe it has a lot to do with the Danish assumption that a person’s life is their own business, and they have the right to love whomever or identify however they choose to. Side note: the ex-ambassador from the US married his husband in Denmark, and the entire country was obsessed with the adorable couple.
Denmark is also incredibly safe. While I still need to use my common sense, I’ve never been afraid to walk home alone in the evening. Allow me to further illustrate my point through the following image… On a crisp Autumn afternoon, a tiny baby lies all swaddled up in a big stroller parked on the sidewalk outside of a coffee shop. The baby is fast asleep while their parents have gone inside for an hour or so for a cup of coffee. People on the street walk on by, not giving the stroller a second glance because the practice of outdoor naps is commonplace. And also none of their business… Now, if while reading that your chest constricted and you worried for the safety of that child, you are probably not Danish. Danes trust each other to have the same values and maintain the status quo, which includes day-to-day safety. Strangers are passively looking out for each other. It’s heart-warming, really.
If you come to visit, you will notice instantly that Denmark is a country of chronically shy people. While it can be refreshing to know that you will not be pestered by a talkative person next to you on the bus, the apathetic silence of passersby can leave you feeling invisible and unwelcome. Waiters and shop clerks do not need your tips (seeing as they make a liveable wage…) so interactions are efficient, with just the necessary amount of politeness. After years of perfecting my smalltalk, interacting with strangers in Denmark was nerve-wracking because I found it difficult to navigate the social cues when they were so subtle. After a while, I formulated this general rule: Danes are incredibly kind and helpful, but if you don’t expressly engage them they will never (ever) bother you. Danes are so satisfied with the lives that they lead that it can be extremely difficult to join in and break the ice. They already have a handful of friends and don’t really need new ones (like you). And they don’t want to bother you by saying “hello” to you. That said, if you manage to make friends with a Dane, you’ve made a friend for life.
I’ve worked at a couple different offices, and one thing I like is that there’s always a communal lunch time. Everyone gathers around, eating their open-faced rye bread sandwiches and chatting. Unlike in the US, here it would seem pretentious and obnoxious if you constantly skipped lunch or stayed in the office later than everyone else. The Danes have a wonderful work-life balance, with their 37-hour work weeks and 5 weeks of vacation. No one is impressed if you “live to work”. That said, you should always be punctual and work hard during the proper hours. But then it’s time to play hard, which usually means traveling to Spain. Or running. Danes love running.
Now, I would be remiss if I didn’t address the concept of “hygge” (pronounced hue-guh) which has gained such popularity recently. “Hygge”, which most directly translates to “coziness”, is probably the most important concept of Danish culture. Country-wide, excessive use of candles creates a perpetually chill atmosphere… Friday candy runs and midnight coffee carve out time for relaxation… All social events last late (LATE) into the night so as to maximize bonding time. No time of year exhibits this concept better than Christmas. Since the winters are dark and dreary, Danes have expanded the winter holiday to last all of December. Julefrokosts (Christmas dinners) are arranged with every group of people important to you, taking up all of your weekend evenings. The rest of your time will be spent at Christmas markets and watching the annual TV special with your family. You will drink glögg, eat pebbernøder, and play fun games to get prizes. To be honest, the amount of hygge coming your way can be daunting. As I tell myself, embrace it – you have the quiet months of February and March to recover…
I feel it’s important to mention that I’ve been truly privileged in my immigration experience. My husband has a good paying job, I have a college education, I’m coming from America, etc. But most importantly, I have the world’s best family-in-law. They drag me to the beach to eat ice cream (never to swim - too cold), practice Danish with me (seems like every Dane has a different accent…), and give me countless encouraging hugs. I suppose this is an example of the once-you-get-to-know-a-Dane syndrome, because breaking the ice might’ve been a bit rough, but now I feel like I have this airtight network of support.
Looking back, being the sheltered American that I was, I didn’t know much about Denmark… Danes… Danish things… Heck, “Danishes” here are called Vienna bread, so everything I thought I knew was apparently a lie. Of course, I knew there would be meat-and-potato dinners, modern interior design, and zero prudishness. But to be honest, I kind of expected moving here to feel more like I had stepped into one of those movies where a girl is on vacation in Rome or Paris and has adventures and it’s oh so mystical. In reality, I occasionally have to remind myself that I’m in a new country. Some days I feel as though I’ve lived here my whole life because everything is as easy as breathing. People always ask if I would recommend Denmark as a vacation destination, and my answer is always, “Honestly, no.” Don’t come to Denmark to travel, come here to live. Because Denmark may not top the charts for breath-taking landscapes and thrilling tourist attractions, but you would be hard pressed to find a better place to call home.
If you want to read more about Sara, check out my blog posts from her wedding and my visit to Denmark. If you’d like to follow her story, check her out on Instagram @sara_vs_denmark